it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
how can i change my meal plan to a keystone plan?
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.