i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
Randomize
