Wanna demo a makeout? Check box yes or no. Or maybe. Okay bye.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
I touched a dick in church today
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize