I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Randomize
