i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
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