You are still hot in my book. I wanna dry hump u like a 9th grader then hump for real when the herpes is gone.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Randomize
