I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Randomize
