I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
