were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
