You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Randomize
