Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
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