Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
Randomize
