Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
Randomize
