And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
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