i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
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