apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
There is an asian family here, I heard the mom call her son onyong
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
Randomize
