U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
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