I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
is that a dick in a sweater?
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Randomize
