I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
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super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
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I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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