by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
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