Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
The convent might be a nice break from real life
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Randomize
