the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Randomize
