doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
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