Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
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My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
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Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
Your boobs are like a folk legend.