That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
