remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
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