some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
Randomize
