I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
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