She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Randomize
