I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
And my parents said I crawled through the house
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
Randomize
