New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
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