god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Randomize
