I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Randomize
