take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
if i had a camp nickname it would be Flick Bean
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Randomize
