She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
Randomize
