I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
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