your thong is hanging out like whoa
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
