Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
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