I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
