Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
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