you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Im tired as fuck but i cant leave him here like this i gave him the acid and i feel the responsibillity to put his mind back together its fun im an architect about to about to construct a whole new belief and moral system inside this soul. Talk about the best psychothearpy
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Randomize
