i'm three days dirty after drinking 14 hours last night and some other questionable behavior (hula hooping at a large concert, for example) i will just always bring the class. and the sluttiness.
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
Randomize
