Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Can vaginas get frostbite?
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
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