I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
Posh spice and Baby spice both in one night. Fantasy complete. God bless halloween.
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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