I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
Randomize
