Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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