so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
