we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
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