I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
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