Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
