Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
