Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
