I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
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