dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
enjoying your night?
do dogs like to salsa?
I dont know if that answers my question or not
Randomize
