Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
