I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
Randomize
