I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
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