i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
Randomize
