so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
Tornado booty call.. dedication
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
Randomize
