This is not my ceiling
I seem to have left my pride at pride
No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Randomize